I think it must be all those biscuits. Many of my admirable
Scots compatriots were recently horrified to learn that we are the second most
overweight and obese nation in the developed world – the Palme d’Or going to the unrivalled kings of consumption, the United
States. We Scots surpass in heft the English, the Irish and especially the lean
and mean Welsh. I am tempted to cry “Well eaten, Scotland!” although I suppose
there are quite a few negatives and the quacks lecture us earnestly about
“lifestyle choices” and the dire ill effects on our ravaged bodies.
The lure of the biscuit is very potent. Just as a hapless
addict trembles as he awaits his next fix, I confess to wobbling with cupidity
at the glorious sight of an unopened packet of McVitie’s Dark Chocolate
Digestives, a delectable mouthful in any language. One biscuit soon becomes
3 and closure only comes as 5 disappear down the red canal. After some winter
months in London, with biscuit temptations abounding, I tip the scales at a
secret figure comfortably in excess of 18 stone. Many summer months in Greece
lie ahead and I promise to nibble lettuce, radishes and raw carrots, take some
gentle exercise in my local pool, reducing my weight to a more respectable, if
still jelly-like 17 stone. Greek biscuits are but a pale imitation of the real
thing, though there are other tasty distractions.
The greatest Biscuit in my World |
Biscuits, in the sense I rhapsodise over them, are rather a
British thing. My biscuits are bis
(twice) cuit (cooked) hard bakery
products – our American cousins would call most of them “cookies” – first
created by the Romans; there are a thousand variations in continental Europe
which I will ignore. The British developed this historic product as it kept
well and was an ideal food for sailors on long voyages, hence ship biscuits,
also known as “hard tack”
As the British Empire
expanded and prospered, commercial companies spotted the market opportunities
and made the biscuit more palatable. Arguably the first global brand name was
Huntley & Palmers, whose factory in Reading was established in 1822
pioneering the use of metal biscuit tins. From Kingston to Nairobi, from Poona
to Singapore, the British colonial settler or official could be seen clutching
his biscuit tins with exotic or sentimental pictures upon them and devouring
the sweet or savoury contents within, air-tight and impervious to cold, damp,
sun or tempest.
In Scotland the inventive firms of McVitie & Price and
Macfarlane Lang competed and in time merged to form United Biscuits. McVities
had invented the iconic Digestive Biscuit
and the Rich Tea, invariably proffered
if you were invited to “a nice cup of tea”. The United Biscuit brand list is
dazzling, taking in traditional spicy Ginger
Nuts, wonderfully oat-crunchy HobNobs
and toothsome Penguins. My favourite Chocolate Digestives were introduced in 1925
and Britain consumes 71 million packets per annum, equal to 52 biscuits per
second. I am doing my bit, Mr McVitie!
The aristocrat of Scottish biscuits is undoubtedly Shortbread. Crumbly and delicious, the
ingredient list demanding heroic proportions of flour, sugar and butter gives
heebie-jeebies to the dietician. The stalwart family firms of Walkers and
Patersons specialise in this ambrosial product.
I must apologise that the above discourse will be in some ways
incomprehensible to my numerous and cherished American readership. We are
famously two nations separated by our common language. You say “pants” and we
say “trousers”: vest/waistcoat, suspenders/braces, coat/jacket – the list is
long – and so it is with Biscuits, often rendered as Cookies across the Pond.
But there are still mysteries. Guy Mitchell in the 1950s
warbled in his ditty “Pretty Little Black-eyed Susan” I like Biscuits soaked in Gravy. To British ears this sounds
unappetising until they learn that in America a “biscuit” is a soft item rather
like a scone, in our parlance a type of bread or cake. The clouds of
misunderstanding easily disperse. Then we had irredeemably cute Shirley Temple
trilling about “Animal Crackers in my Soup”. To us Brits a cracker is a flaky,
crisp wafer often eaten with cheese. In America crackers are more widely
defined and apparently include hard-baked animal-shaped food for children.
But in your
soup? Now that takes the biscuit!
SMD
28.05.13
Text Copyright © Sidney Donald 2013