OH, CALAMITY!

The famous catchphrase belonged to Robertson Hare of Aldwych farces fame but it may well be adopted by our very own and contemporary Theresa May – fitting better than Brexit means Brexit or Strong and Stable. Already Theresa has made grovelling apologies to the 1922 Committee of Tory backbenchers for her foul-up and the air has filled with her plaintive Mea culpas   Alas, she is not alone in having to eat humble pie. I had blithely predicted a 100-seat Tory majority, the demise of Jeremy Corbyn and 5 years of Tory Paradise. Well, I got that wrong in spades and I now have as much prophetic credibility as Old Moore’s Almanac. Sorry, folks, I goofed too!

Theresa misfires disastrously

Who could have predicted this calamitous election campaign with Theresa holed up in her bunker, deigning only to talk to friendly audiences, refusing to debate with the other party leaders and unveiling a deeply uninspiring manifesto? The public wanted to get to know Theresa better and they did not much like what they saw. Stiff and insecure with ordinary people, wobbly on key issues, she and her wet husband did not connect with the electorate. She projected a Goody Two-Shoes image, confessing to running barefoot through a wheat-field as her naughtiest childhood deed: the electorate wanted evidence that behind her stern mask there was a ramrod spine and a brain sharp as steel. Instead they were dismayed to discover a Home Counties stereotype with a constitution composed of marsh-mallow and old-fashioned elderberry jelly.

Calling the election was a gamble though the temptations were obvious. The polls seemed to smile at Theresa and she needed a larger majority. But the British complained about election fatigue. A general election in 2015, the dramatic Brexit referendum of 2016 and then local elections in May 2017 were compounded by Theresa’s snap June poll. A peek at history might have warned her off: Baldwin called a snap election in 1923 to bolster his position only to end up letting in Macdonald who led Labour with a Liberal coalition. (Winston Churchill was famously unseated by Prohibitionist Edwin Scrymgeour in Dundee!). Heath, besieged by a miners’ strike, lost feebly to Wilson in 1974. Voters are not interested in Westminster manoeuvres and are often unpredictably fickle. Anyhow the damage is done and there is little to be gained by crying over spilt milk.

Corbyn was given a free ticket to peddle his shop-worn wares. The man is an ass and his policies are beyond parody. Yet no attack-dog Tory was unleashed to maul his uncosted programme or to challenge his mendacious world-view. Theresa wanted the contest to be a personal one between her and Corbyn but Jeremy has been offering free beer for all the workers for 30 years and is a practised street agitator. As leader, Jeremy was delighted to have the ability to offer guaranteed escalating pensions, free tertiary education, free meals for the kiddiewinks, etc, etc and of course such an unrealistic programme enthused many of the dispossessed and the idealistic. The gods relented and Corbyn’s gang did not actually get elected. I hope he has shot his bolt.

Corbyn cannot believe his luck

The only bright spot amid the darkness and gloom was Scotland. The Unionists, well-led by Ruth Davidson, won 12 seats and Labour and LibDem won 9, all at the expense of the pestilent SNP. Alex Salmond, he with the mien of a bookie’s runner, was ousted in Moray and pomposity personified, Angus Robertson, fell in Angus. A long-awaited roll-back of the SNP has been set in train.

Whither the Tories now? Theresa will no doubt cling on for a short time but I cannot see her surviving the election debacle. She may be able to stitch up a deal with the Paisleyite DUP just to survive, a none-too-edifying exercise. As we say North of the border, I hae ma doots about her longer term political longevity. Yet the Tories are not bursting with obvious talent. Boris J has brilliant flashes but carries too much personal baggage to survive scrutiny to lead the country, Michael Gove is capable but is not a magnet for loyalty, but at least both were Brexiteers. The Tories may have to fall back on terminally dull Philip “Spreadsheet” Hammond as the new Messiah. Hammond once leant towards Brexit but stayed a tepid Remainer. He might be a plausible negotiator as our European “friends” circle for the kill – the EU is reliably dysfunctional and will stumble somewhere down the line.

We need an election-free period, a summer, winter and spring recess all in one. We can then enjoy the classic spectator sports of cricket, rugby, racing and football and the new one of Trump-watching. We even have our favourite Trooping the Colour on Saturday, with Her Majesty and waves of nostalgia for times past.

SMD

15.06.17

Text Copyright © Sidney Donald 2017