POLITICS AS PANTOMIME

Politics in the UK has been so extraordinary in 2018 that the Palace of Westminster would sit much more appropriately alongside the Hackney Empire. I read that the chief shop-steward for clowns, whose day job is at Zippo’s Circus, objects to the use of the expression “a bunch of clowns” to describe our bizarre politicians – he claimed that his “real” clowns would have sorted out Brexit many months ago! So, readers - On with the motley, savour the smell of the greasepaint, await the roar of the crowd and allow our pantomime characters and those from fantasy- land to guide our nation’s fate in 2019.

Theresa Goody-Two-Shoes

Jeremy, The  Mad Hatter

I see our Prime Minister as Goody-Two-Shoes, ever proclaiming her rectitude as she stumbles from one disaster to another:

Stiff in opinions, always in the wrong,

Was everything by starts and nothing long.

Her insensitivity to the opinions of others and her parsonical air are deeply unattractive. Her attempts to woo the “common man” with feeble dance-steps and garish footwear are merely embarrassing.

By her side, stalks the lanky, dismal figure of Baron Hammond Hard-up who takes much pleasure in spoiling Christmas and New Year for the luckless electorate by supporting the spurious predictions of Brexit’s enemies based on highly dubious assumptions and worst-case scenarios. The devotion of these two to the Brexit cause has long been questioned – a scandalous rumour is in circulation that she possesses a bidet and he has a secret enthusiasm for sauerkraut.

They are both fortunate that their principal political adversary is Jeremy, The Mad Hatter, inarticulate at the best of times, often wholly confused, upholder of policies so contradictory that they bamboozle both supporters and antagonists – he inhabits a different planet from the rest of us. Yet he is potentially only a few inches from supreme power, God help us all!

Goody-Two-Shoes does have some, at least nominal, supporters but rather more former supporters who have lost faith in her powers. Still adhering to her cause are Tweedle-Dum Gove and Tweedle-Dee Hunt, competent, if faceless, fellows, arguing that Goody-Two-Shoes is the best leader we have got. Tweedle-Dum famously and justifiably stated:

I think that the people of this country have had enough of experts from organisations with acronyms saying that they know what is best and getting it consistently wrong.

Then Tweedle-Dee opined:

Singapore was a prime example of a well-managed economy (the 8^th largest in the world) and

While the circumstances of Britain’s departure from the EU are different, there could be few better instructions for us as we make our post-Brexit future.”

Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee

Jack (our Liam Fox) and the Giant Barnier

 

Walter the Softie/Jacob Rees-Mogg

Ugly Sisters Amber Rudd and Anna Soubry

There are many other “noises off”. Liam Fox is a doughty Brexiteer and I see him heroically as Jack of Beanstalk fame, but he may not have the strength to resist the giant and ogres above him. The revered comic, the Beano, has complained that Jacob Rees-Mogg, leader of the Brexit ultras, has stolen the character of their Walter the Softie and certainly the resemblance is striking. Snarling Amber Rudd and consistently disloyal Anna Soubry make a fine pair of Ugly Sisters in the Europhile camp.

When the clash comes, the struggle will be titanic. We hear already the chant of Giant Michel Barnier:

Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman,

Be he alive or be he dead,

I’ll grind his bones to make my bread!

This uncompromising attitude is shared by his fierce attendant, the 3-headed Cerberus, whose purpose in life is to stop those who wanted to leave the EU Hades and whose heads bear a strong likeness to Messrs. Tusk, Juncker and Selmayr.

The EU 3-headed Cerberus

Boris the Gruffalo

Goody-Two-Shoes does not deign to go into battle and her supporters’ current preferred champion is Boris the Gruffalo, a noisy, fierce-looking beast but one whose stamina is doubtful and who somehow does not convince as a cunning leader of men.

I believe we will find a younger man, a Dominic Raab or a Gavin Williamson, a Prince Charming without too much past baggage, to cut us free from our chains and lead us to the Promised Land, flowing with milk and honey.

Oh No you won’t! Oh Yes we will!!!

SMD

3.01.19

Text Copyright ® Sidney Donald 2019