VOTES FOR EVER!

The British general election is almost upon us and we acknowledge that we are partaking of a traditional ritual, once a very corrupt one, but always an exciting and significant event.

Hogarth: Chairing the Member

Hogarth’s four election paintings, inspired by a tumultuous contest in Oxfordshire in 1754, hang on the ingenious hinged walls of Sir John Soane’s Museum in Lincoln’s Inn Fields, London. Heavy drinking, riot and intimidation characterised these occasions.

Pickwick: Eatanswill Election by Phiz

Charles Dickens memorably described the chaotic hustings at Eatanswill in his comic Pickwick Papers of 1836, where The Buffs and The Blues furiously contend, Mr Pickwick’s hat is dislodged and voters are threatened and abused in those noisy pre-secret-ballot days.

America was not behindhand in corrupt practices. “Gerrymandering”, the corrupt manipulation of constituency boundaries, was named after Governor Gerry of Massachusetts, redrawing Boston in 1812. “Vote early and vote often” was a catchphrase in Chicago – ballot-box stuffing and personation were common practices greatly enjoyed too in Ireland North and South. So when all these electoral frauds were uncovered this year in Lutfur Rahman’s Bangladeshi East End of London stronghold of Tower Hamlets, he was absorbing a tradition as venerable as roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.

This year’s election will be relatively straight and honest. There has already been much debate but in my opinion the leaders have been rather leaden-footed. I contrast with the ready wit of F E Smith, Earl of Birkenhead, addressing an election meeting in the 1920s.  He stated rhetorically “I will tell you exactly what the Government has done for all of you.” “Nothing!” heckled a lady. F E pounced: “My dear lady, the light in this hall is so dim as to prevent a clear sight of your undoubted charms, so that I am unable to say with any certainty whether you are a virgin, a widow, or a matron, but in any case I will guarantee to prove that you are wrong. If you are a virgin flapper, we have given you the vote; if you are a wife, we have increased employment and reduced the cost of living; if you are a widow, we have given you a pension – and if you are none of these, but are foolish enough to be a tea drinker, we have reduced the tax on sugar!”

The polls say that the election is neck-and-neck between Conservative and Labour. But pollsters are fallible – remember the erroneous predictions of defeat for Harry Truman (1948), John Major (1992) and Benjamin Netanyahu (2014). I dare to hope that David Cameron will poll better than the experts say – he performed with robust passion at the final BBC Question Time debate, over-shadowing twerpish Miliband and spent-force Clegg, but I am admittedly not impartial. But speculation is easy and on 7 May the real votes will be counted and coalition building, if necessary, can begin.

The truth is we are all weary of politics. I was struck by the experience of Belgium (2010-11) whose parties could not coalesce and there was no elected government for 589 days. What joy! Did their chocolates melt or the Brussel sprout crop fail? Not at all, stolid Belgium continued her plodding prosperity. I dream of locking our own politicos into a smoke-filled room and leaving them to stew.

We can then concentrate on life’s essentials this May. Kate and Will have today produced their first daughter and there will be weeks of cooing, gurgling and searches for the location of the baby Princess’s dimple. Then there is the drama over the fate of Britain’s entry in the Eurovision Song Contest Still in love with you by Electro Velvet in Vienna on 21 May, hosted by the country that gave us last year’s bearded transvestite winner. Best of all there is the FA Cup Final on 30 May when I will be cheering on brave Arsenal to retain the trophy against doughty Aston Villa. Come on the Gunners! No votes, no speeches, no coalitions, no cant, no posturing!

SMD

2.05.15

Text Copyright © Sidney Donald 2015