EASTER JOTTINGS

 

EASTER JOTTINGS

                         (With grateful acknowledgements to the old Telegraph Peter Simple Column)

 

To my doctor, village handyman, deck-chair attendant and barber-surgeon Jamie Perks, who diagnosed my ailment as Incorrigible Mortification of the Tripes. He prescribed bleeding with leeches @ 2p per leech. I was much improved. Spoke casually to my NHS doctor who rushed me by ambulance to the local Aneurin Bevan Superama Hospital and insisted I took a scan in their 2m GBP ultra-sound suite. Clearly bamboozled, there were many oohs and aaghs from the nursing staff as my results came slowly through. The consultant Dr Acula looked at my leeches with intense interest and stroked his rather scraggly beard. “We are all guilty” intoned resident psychiatrist Dr Heinz Kiosk irrelevantly.

There is not much that is funny ha-ha about Vladimir Putin, but plenty that is funny-peculiar. My sources tell me he has a secure deluxe padded-cell at the Lavrenti Beria Rest Home for Retired KGB Torturers in Omsk (or is it Tomsk?). The Home boasts an extensive lake and upon it, Putin, self-promoted to Admiral, commands a scaled down replica of the good ship Moskva. His “associates” have doctored the volatile ammunition magazines of this craft, MI5 ensures he has a generous helping of poisoned borscht awaiting his disembarkment, on a clear day lethal Turkish drones can be seen hovering in the skies, and his sweet tooth will be more than satisfied by the bombe surprise concocted by the kitchens of Mossad. Expect a big bang soon!

“Vile capitalist exploitation!” yells Tureen Trotsky, Nadirco Professor of World Literature at Kent Bottom University, as the Lesbian, one-legged, Palestinian academic calls for the “cancellation” of all the works of Dickens, Austen, Thackeray and especially Thomas Hardy, whose evocations of a green, rural England “fly in the face of slaving working people and promote racial discrimination”. Professor Trotsky substitutes historic pornography from the Olympia Press in Paris and from the Svengali Institute in Pskov. The wheels of Justice grind slowly but some will be content to learn she has at last been served with a writ by the Home Office and given a one-way ticket to Rwanda.

Is Boris a Tory? The question is asked with penetrating repetition throughout the land. How can one with, admittedly remote, Turkish antecedents possibly qualify? And he does not appear to be a member of the Carlton Club, let alone an honorary Warden of my Feudal and Reactionary League. His sexual dalliances label him a Liberal and his love of Northern grittiness echo many a scurvy Socialist. His flag-waving endears him to the stoutest Ulster Unionist. Yet in this moment of peril, we will rally to him as a shock-haired Joan of Arc, scattering his sinister enemies in the plush House of Lords and even on his own green back-benches. The Bringer of Brexit wins and deserves a dukedom and national adulation!

 

SMD

18.4.22

Text Copyright © Sidney Donald 2022